fear and trust…

A deadline is a great thing

it creates the impetus to show up at the studio

to allow yourself the luxury

of not feeling guilty for being totally obsessed

I enter the studio most days

fuelled on anxiety and fear

possibly too much caffeine

and a bravado that wilts by the end of the day

*

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*

the muse is an elusive whore

and cannot be relied upon at all

You feel like an artist…you act like an arsehole

you smell like turps… there’s paint in your hair

the household arranges itself around the squall of you

*

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I have been working toward a solo exhibition

it’s due in three weeks

prior commitments, life, family and sleep

taken into account…I only have 8 painting days left

no more time to pretend that the ultimate piece of work

(that one we chase)

will show itself at this time

apparently god created the world in seven days

I should be able to pull a show together in eight

*

I head to the studio

wondering if I can salvage a show

from the paintings I already have

 …time to face the work I have already done

*

I sit with my work

I am aware of the flaws and the beauty

they are finally free of me

and sit in their own energy

doubts drop like rocks from a wet overcoat pocket

 I don’t hate it

and that is enough

*

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And, to those of you wondering why  blogtober ended for me at at day 4

well the topic for day 5 was “what’s your favourite app?”

…I just had better things to do with my life

3 thoughts on “fear and trust…

  1. I feel the intensity, I feel the struggle and self-doubt and I am with you. But you are right, you don’t hate it and that can be enough. We go into our studios, needing to see what is wrong so that we can know what to do and how to go forward. But it is hard to put that aside and then allow ourselves to see what is right so that we can love what we have made. In all its imperfection.

    Like

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